"Toddlers Are Assholes." There are books, Facebook groups and online bitchfests based on this popular phrase. It makes me wonder ... are my toddlers assholes? What makes a person an asshole?
There's no rhyme or reason to one of my twins as he is a ticking time bomb. He is currently organizing his race cars on the windowsill and will, at any moment, throw them on the floor and scream while waving his arms manically. Why? I haven't the faintest idea.
He's often found stealing toys from his brother without any sign of remorse before quickly tossing them aside because he didn't want them in the first place. He dumps Legos on the floor after I clean them up (sometimes while I am cleaning them up), throws his sippy cup of milk and then screams for me to retrieve it, slaps me in the face (literally) and constantly complains. He gets frustrated easily and enjoys slapping or occasionally biting his brother when he doesn't get his way or, sometimes, as a way of playing. He needs constant attention and often does things he shouldn't repeatedly (mess with the air vent and take the safety plugs out of sockets). He throws toys behind the couch and complains. Cause and effect means nothing to him. When he's defiant he gives me a look resembling, "What the fuck are you going to do about it lady?" I am a stay-at-home mom yet he does not know the word "mama," only "dada" for his hero. If he cries in the middle of the night and I console him, it's no damn good. If his dad consoles him, it's just what the doctor ordered - this happened this morning at 5 a.m. when I went in first and could not stop the drama. Dad swooped in to the rescue and quieted him in 38 seconds.
His brother is mellow in comparison - as a mother of twins I can't help but compare. He likes to play alone and often can be found running back and forth across the playroom while excitedly screaming. However, he dislikes order and when there is too much food on his tray (ie more than one piece) he throws most of his meals on the floor but, as toddlers typically go, sometimes he doesn't and he eats like a civil toddler (whatever that means). He goes on attack mode when his brother attempts to organize toys on the windowsill and shakes his head back and forth when you try to feed him even if he wants said food item. He does not know any words and recently started babbling. He isn't high drama like his brother but he also isn't free from problems for dear old mom. Oh, and by the way, he grunts loudly and his face turns bright red when he poops. Not a good look.
They both enjoy ripping my glasses off my face throughout the day when I let my guard down. Are they assholes? What makes a person an asshole?
I think there is a great push away from the traditional idea of Mommy Dearest - this patient, kind woman who takes care of the kids, the home and has dinner on the table at 5:30 for dear old dad, all while wearing a lovely outfit with good hair and nice daytime makeup. She doesn't need time off because she adores this lifestyle. She is always last and doesn't complain because her glass is half full.
So, instead of a little different some mothers are going completely opposite. Let me let my hair down and bitch about my life. My kids suck, I give up and are letting them watch TV and eat junk food while I guzzle booze. My kids first word was fuck, lol rotfl omg "You're the reason mom drinks honey." My husband is lazy and doesn't do enough. These are the women who work AND who, come Sunday night, can't wait to go back to work because they can't stand their kids.
Now, I think it's healthy to vent, as I am in the form of blogging. My dramatic twin hit me in the face with a Nalgene bottle today. I cleaned five poop-filled diapers today - one smelled like a fish bowl that hadn't been cleaned for weeks. My sons don't appreciate me. When I notice on the baby monitor they are waking up from their nap I sigh because fun time is over. I'm no saint. One of my favorite times during the week is going alone to the grocery store on Sundays. However, if I dwell on the fact they act like assholes it makes me angrier when they are frustrating and I miss the times when they, lo and behold, act like sweet, little angels. So, I try to remind myself they aren't assholes, they are toddlers. I can bitch and moan, lose my temper and stress out but the boys will still be frustrated with life. They can't tell me what's wrong, they don't understand what's going on, they crave structure and a schedule because of this, blah blah blah. I need to work on patience and worrying about their asshole-ness is not going to help me become patient.
Dreading tomorrow isn't going to help me deal with tomorrow.
Yes, they act like assholes but without malicious intent. They shit their pants and complain when I change their diaper just as much as they would complain if I left them in it for hours. They get frustrated easily, they don't listen or follow directions, they don't appreciate me, it's always no damn good ... but that's what it is because they are 17 months old. I can't expect the impossible - it's not fair to me or them. Yeah, they act like assholes but they will continue to act like assholes whether I stress over it or not.
Let's say my problem child just took his snack, which I know he wants, and dumped it in his pack-n-play. He fusses and throws his bowl on the floor. Should I ignore him and post about it on Facebook so other moms commiserate and my horrible existence gets assurance? Or should I go over there, put the snack back in the bowl and help him eat it?
They're 17 months old and a fellow twin mom told me once they become easier and it gets better when they are around 4 years old. So, what ... am I supposed to be miserable and bitter for another two-and-a-half years? I still have to take care of them and deal with the drama whether I am positive or negative about it so why not try to be positive?
My game plan - try not to react to their asshole-ness. I'm imperfect and so is life but I can always try my best. I want to be somewhere between Trophy Mom and Asshole Mom because that's the best for everyone involved.
Are my toddlers assholes? No. They're toddlers.
UPDATE:
OK. So, my toddlers are now almost 2-and-a-half years old and I would like to officially retract my statements, especially referring to them not being assholes. Yes, if I were to find some damn free time and be able to read for pleasure and instead of reading Janet Evanovich, or something similarly simple, were to read a psychology book on children ages 2-4, I would understand why they act this way but honestly I don't care. Yes, I know they are just learning about the world and blah blah blah but they are complete assholes. They are irrational, they complain about the stupidest stuff - Baby A screamed hysterically because his brother had reached up and turned a light on in the car ... like come on dude, chill out! When I tell Baby B not to do something he looks at me and quickly does what he's not supposed to do because he knows Mama Bear is barreling down on him. But we can't yell, we can't react, we need to calmly show them the way of life. It's a lesson in insanity day after day. So, yes, toddlers are complete and utter assholes.
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