I breathe in, I breathe out. I pinch myself and it hurts, on the verge of feeling pleasant as my mind stops racing to acknowledge physical pain. I must be alive, right? I'm checking in from the ... I want to write abyss but that's not right. My life is the opposite of void. It is a bottomless pit filled with pandemonium. Almost like I'm chained to the wall in the middle of Alice's Rabbit Hole. Yes, that's it. I'm Alice, floating in an endless Rabbit Hole yet chained to life's responsibilities, an invisible chain created in my mind feeding off the endless feedback from society, pushing mothers and their children to be smarter, faster, better so they can win ... what race? Pushing mothers and wives to lose the weight, look perfect, never fart, be housewife and whore. Part of me wants to fully support my family, pushing whatever is left of me aside, part of me wants to run for the hills and part of me knows it will never be enough. What a happy pie graph filled with glitter and rainbows.
Man I sound crazy.
Since last I wrote my twins are on the verge of their third birthdays - 17 days. Where has the time gone? Some parents think, "Oh my! Time flies!" However, I can't grasp that philosophy. Time flies but you're traveling in mud.
In mid-June, my autistic son went from therapy twice a week to therapy Monday to Friday. It was a summer program at his school with ABA, speech and occupational therapy as well as swim lessons. He was thriving in school so I figured why not? I want to take advantage of every service offered, within reason, especially when the insurance is footing the bill and time ticks down until he starts Kindergarten. His twin and I will figure out something to do during his school hours, I figured, so away we went.
We also returned to the prestigious institute where he was diagnosed with autism for a food therapy evaluation. Basically he eats milk, cheese, fries, an occasional chicken nugget, carbs like pretzels and chips, applesauce, cookies, Cheerios, pancakes, gummies ... I just want to get a damn vegetable into the boy. So, a group of quacks evaluated and concluded he needed therapy either once a week or once every two weeks. That would mean me driving to their offices two hours one way, offices that are surrounded by not-so-nice neighborhoods.
So, after talking with folks at his school, we decided my son could start eating lunch there and they could help him instead of carting my crazy train all across the state. It was a hard choice - do I take advantage of every opportunity or do I follow my intuition? What if they could have helped him better than his school? What if the sun dies out tomorrow? What if I get hit by a thunderbolt right now for all my bad thoughts? What if a pit opens up in the floor and Satan pops out and starts dancing? Gosh I am crazy.
One son at school, another at the playground, the park, the beach, the library, the store ... wherever they will let our wild asses go without costing an arm and a leg.
When it came time for the summer camp to end, his therapists suggested he continue daily, but instead of three hours a day he moved to five. So, here I am with a son in a special school for autism from morning to mid-afternoon five days a week.
My boys still get services through the Infant & Toddlers Program in our county but you get what you pay for when it comes to therapy. My autistic son gets OT, Speech, Development and PT through the school system in addition to his private school. As for his brother, I am doing a program through the school system to learn how to handle his ... enthusiastic temperament, aka Dennis the Menace. I think the title is Positive Solutions For Families. How flowery. I want to get him into some sort of preschool program, where they can deal with his inability to listen and follow directions, etc. but money rules everything around me and I ain't got none.
So, I'm alive. I took a shower yesterday, so that's positive. My legs aren't too hairy, I drink too much wine, I'm tired, I need to get a job so my one son can go to preschool but I haven't worked for years and have no skills other than madness. So, there's that.
