My twin fraternal boys are almost a month old. Full disclosure: this adventure has sucked. That's not to say I don't love these boys and there haven't been non-suck moments but taking care of helpless creatures who only sleep, cry and poop is difficult, especially on the occasions I am alone and attempt to feed them simultaneously. Hearing two babies cry at the same time is torture. Taking care of two newborns at the same time is hard -- how can I split my time so I spend enough time with each of them? I feel guilty I feel this way about this stage in their lives but at least I'm being honest.
Less than a week after giving birth, and the second day of being home, I couldn't stop crying. I was overwhelmed and didn't want the boys. The next day I felt a little better. I thought maybe that was the worst of it and I would still feel exhausted and overwhelmed but wouldn't return to hopelessness. Well, I thought wrong because over the past few days the hormones have been raging, especially last night when I didn't think I could get through another evening. Couldn't wouldn't shouldn't. One of my sons has been dealing with a case of the extreme cries -- we think it's gas but aren't sure. Sometimes he's fine and sometimes he screams his head off which, in turn, makes me cry and want to run for the hills. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for one of the boys to cry.
Hormones hormones hormones. I sometimes wonder why I wanted to have children in the first place and what I'm doing with my life. I wonder if I will ever have joy. I get stuck in a bottomless pit of despair even when most mothers say, "It will get better." I can't comprehend they will grow older and be easier to handle, especially when many say when they are a year old it starts to get better. A year? I can't even make it through the night! Then the next morning after these thoughts I feel OK. Slowly over the course of the day the depression sinks in and takes over. Even my daily walks don't cut it anymore.
I'm going to the doctor on Monday to speak to her about it for my own sake and also for the sake of my boys. I'm exhausted and don't feel the connection with them I think I should. I get stuck in the moment. Shouldn't I be oooing and awwing over them and quick to soothe them at every cry? What is wrong with me? They deserve better!
Luckily my mother-in-law is a saint and offered to take them for the weekend so I can rest. Here I sit at home with my husband, our first baby-free evening and ... well ... I miss them. Yes, today pre-offer from my mother-in-law, I was thinking how I didn't feel like dealing with them and wanted to be alone and here I am with those wishes a reality and what am I doing? Missing them but not missing them!
There are too many factors at play here -- I don't see how I haven't gone insane. I am still recovering from my C-section (it's tender and sometimes painful), I am exhausted, overwhelmed, suffer from severe mood swings and bouts of crying and despair, yet I am supposed to be super mom? Why am I supposed to be her? I would blame it on society but there is something inside me filling me with guilt. When my depression hits I let the despair wash over me while doubling the pain by hating myself for feeling sad.
I felt guilty today when I heard the offer of a baby free weekend because my first thought was: THANK GOD. I felt guilty for leaving them with their grandparents because I needed to get away. What did they ever do to me? I'm their mother! Their mother! They only get one mother and it's me and I don't even want them half the time. I know it's the hormones and the fact mothering twins is crazy but I still can't help but feel awful. They deserve better than me.
I don't believe in absolutes -- there are many factors at play causing my severe mood swings and depression. I know I need to keep chugging along while taking help when it's offered. Yes, I'm driving to my in-laws tomorrow to see them for a bit because I miss them but I will return home afterwards for a full nights sleep because that will help me be a better mother. I know my thoughts are dark because of several factors: fatigue, hormones, this is the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. It's been less than a month so I shouldn't beat myself up. It will get easier because I will get better at being a mother. I have never been a mother before, or anything like it, so why should I be an expert? I need to remind myself of these facts when the despair hits and I sink into the depression.
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