My twin boys, born at 37 weeks, are almost two weeks old. Part of me thinks: "Wow, I can't believe they are already two weeks old!" while the other part screams: "Ugh, they're only two weeks old!" It's the endless battle of optimistic new mom and pessimistic new mom. Maybe it's the hormones, but this battle rages daily.
My life is crazy, especially as my hormones range all over the map. I can go from sobbing about how I want my old life back (because of course it has to be better than this!) and want to give the twins back (to whom, I don't know) to self-motivating myself to remember this stage doesn't last forever and I can do this.
It's been hard. Honestly, babies aren't always fun and this part can suck -- something my husband and I admit. I felt bad about my dislike for this stage but I've already gotten over it! The babies can't go more than four hours without eating and feeding them takes about an hour, if there's no fussiness and crying involved afterwards. It's hard to tell what they are crying about sometimes: gas, needing to poop, being startled, wanting to be held, hunger ... also, sometimes they cry and then, if you leave them alone, will quickly go back to sleep.
We are learning as we go with the help of the Internet, especially in the feeding department.
In the hospital, a lactation consultant advised me to breastfeed one on one boob for 20 minutes, then breastfeed the other baby on the same boob for 20 minutes, then feed them supplement (we started out using a syringe to feed them), then breastpump both boobs for 20 minutes ... every single time to build my supply. At the one week mark we went to our pediatrician and she advised me to breastfeed them both at the same time for 20 minutes and then continue the cycle, so at least one step was taken out of the equation. Well, I took the breastfeeding out entirely and simply bottlefeed then pump -- we feed them a mix of formula and breastmilk. This decision was made to save time and also, as my husband slowly ventures back to work, how am I supposed to breastfeed them at the same time alone? Yeah, not happening. I watched a video on Youtube where a woman breastfed her twins at the same time, even burping them individually mid feeding, while advising the viewing audience how simple this is to do alone. Well, she's a big, fat liar.
To try to keep sane I take a walk everyday (what will I do when the weather is bad? Go insane?) while someone watches the boys (either my husband or, on the weekends, my mother-in-law or mom), take deep breaths and repeat mantras like "it will get better" and "I can do this." Yes, my fight or flight response rears its ugly head often and, when it does, is stuck on flight. However, I figure this can't last forever either. I can't send the babies back, I can't afford a nanny and, honestly, my old life wasn't that great. Do I want to be a quitter? Am I this selfish? No. I am their mom and they need me. It's only been two weeks and IT WILL GET BETTER! It's OK to mourn my old selfish life, just as it's OK to only breastpump and bottlefeed instead of being supermom and easily breastfeeding them in tandem while baking a three-course dinner with the extra arm that magically grew out of my back overnight. I am doing my best and that's OK!
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